Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Randomize
