The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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