I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i think im in europe. pls send help
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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