I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I tried to fuck you in my bathroom while my parents were in the next room. I am a clusterfuck of fun.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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