when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
He's tryingto open a beer with a Police baton. Cut him off or see where this leads?
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
