If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
I think the last straw was when you put on ice skates to go across the waxed wooden floor.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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