I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
no morals, dignity, or self respect ... just an empty condom wrapper and a facebook request
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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