I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
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