just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
