Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
