My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
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