i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
