When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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