At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Randomize
