I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
