I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
