Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
