my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
Randomize
