Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
Randomize
