Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
