I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
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