i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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