I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Randomize
