my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
