you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
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