life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
yo I sort of want to fuck rachel maddow. but I'm not a lesbian. actually I reaally want to so maybe I am a lesbian. at least on weekdays at 9.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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