Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Randomize
