Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
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