worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
I want a musical about memes.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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