OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
The parties out here are fucking awesome and I've got the grades to prove it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
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