Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
