What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
