I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
We just shotgunned beers for America
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
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