I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
