batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
