Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Come see our sink grown plant.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
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