Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Randomize
