i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Honestly my life is shambles over a married man who looked like a fuckin NERD ON HIS WEDDING DAY
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
