God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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