i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.
I wholeheartedly concur
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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