someone threw a dead crab at me
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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