Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
