Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Dude you just kept yelling "She was my first asain!" right in front of her.
They need a stunt cock, be about 20 more minutes.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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