so... how was it???
he had bart simpson sheets. he had itunes on shuffle and "don't worry be happy" started playing when he took his boxers off. sad to say i was neither worried nor happy
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
