Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
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