ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
She was giving me great head...... until I asked her how much this was going to cost.... she left abruptly
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume
we need ur ladder
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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