And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
