This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
