you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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