I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
